Daily Affirmation

The best things in life are free.
The second best are very expensive.
- Coco Chanel

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Finding Balance Isn't Always Simple

Today is a day of introspection and soul searching. For what, I'm not sure - just a day when I'm not quite happy with Me, and trying to figure "it" out. Part of it, I'm sure is that I'm achey and sore today - more "Joint-ritis" than usual, and that always makes me a little cranky, and anxious to improve myself somehow, some way. I'm middle-aged (oooh that hurts to take the senior discount at movies!), and a tad overweight (and that hurts...), and today I'm feeling very, very ordinary, and not at all special. I feel a need to create, but I don't know what, or how. I'm a girl who used to paint, but I haven't done it in so long, I have a hard time getting back to it. I'm a girl who used to play piano, but my piano is broken and it would take much to repair it. I'm trying to decide if I want to repair it, or just get it out of the house altogether. Right now, it takes up a huge corner of the living room, and is really just a large table holding up a vase full of berry branches. Would I rather have a dining room table in that space? These are choices I have trouble making. I miss playing music, but it would also be lovely to have more dining space. I'm still kind of holding onto the musician part of the girl I used to be. I don't think I'm ready to let go of her yet.
I'm a grandma, and there's a part of me that aches to be a good one. I love those 3 little ones so much, and yet I feel all out of practice. Well, it's hard to feel practiced up when they all live so far away: Denver and Puerto Rico. Every time I see them, it seems that they've reached another stage that I haven't yet seen, and I feel that I've missed so much. One thought that came to me today is that I spend so much time thinking about all of the wonderful things I'd love to do for my grandchildren and children, and not enough time doing. I dither, and I think some more and...and I let myself get paralyzed. I need to pare down, simplify. One of my most precious memories is sitting quietly with my grandma in a chair, and she would stroke my arm up and down. Delicious! And so soothing. So simple. I think my favorite memories with my kids involved simple outings out, and talking. And laughing, lots of laughing. One thing I've always treasured in each of my children is their wonderful sense of humor. They never fail to make me laugh.
I'm a wife, too - LaMar's partner, his true companion. Not a day that goes by when I'm not completely greatful for the wonderful chance I was given to love and be loved by this man. We are so much alike in so many ways, and yet our differences make us very helpful to each other. I tend to be on the lazy side, but LaMar is so hard working he gets me going, if only out of shame. And good wife that I am, I encourage him to stop working so hard, and take it easy - relax....travel...go shopping. I get him to spend money, he keeps me from spending too much. It's a match made in heaven.
So what does all of this teach me? Well, I have a lot to be thankful for. I tend to be overly hard on myself sometimes, but only because I'm a perfectionist. I need to simplify my life - everything I do doesn't have to be on a magnificent scale. Sometimes the best times are just simple, quiet moments shared. Magic on a small scale. Like the time Katie and I were watching shooting stars together at 2:00am - only she was on a beach in Hawaii, and I was home on the patio. Three thousand miles apart, we were still able to share an incredible experience. I want more of that in my life - more of the good that makes your heart soar, and less of the worldly junk that really doesn't matter at all. Sometimes it's hard to know which is which, but I'm working on it.

2 comments:

  1. I agree with you. I think that you always try to do too much. The times i always remember are the ones where we just sit and talk. No money spent. No grand plans made. Just one on one with the Momster.

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  2. You're so good at organizing your thoughts. Hey, I have an idea, you can finish painting my dresser! LOL...You're the most creative person I know. I'm sure you'll figure out what to creat soon enough. That shooting star experience WAS pretty cool! I've been trying to work on myself too, because I'm not happy with me. I feel way too fat, I'm not eating right, and I'm not getting enough sleep. Today was my day for change. I woke up at 6:30, did a kickboxing dvd (almost threw up), and restocked my fridge with nutritious foods. Love you, and can't wait to see you in January! IT can't come soon enough.

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