Daily Affirmation

The best things in life are free.
The second best are very expensive.
- Coco Chanel

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Instilling Self Confidence

Jenny Denton over at Denton's Sanatorium has issued another writing assignment: The Most Important Principles You Can Teach Your Children.  You can read all of the offerings here.  This is such a huge topic that it was hard to know where to begin.  There are so many things we try to instill in our children, but I've always thought that in order to have a healthy outlook on life, we must instill self confidence in our children.  A child with self confidence realizes his own self worth.  He has respect and exhibits kindness to others.  He has no need to bully or belittle to feel important.  He has compassion for those who are sad or hurt.  To me, this is the very basis of being able to give charity, a helping hand, and to be able to exhibit humility at the same time.  It's the very first thing you need to be able to have confidence in the work you do each day.
When my children were little I always told them that it was their duty to stick up for others who were being picked on - that they should never sit by and do nothing while someone was being bullied.  I'm proud to say that as they were growing up I saw many instances where each one of them came to another child's assistance.  It took a fair amount of courage, and sometimes they got tormented themselves in the process, but they were, and are, brave people.
I feel that if children have a healthy bit of self confidence they will be leaders - sometimes they are quiet leaders, but leaders nonetheless.  (Well, none of my children are quiet leaders, but that's another story...) They won't wait to see which way the wind blows before making a decision.  No one will be able to talk them into doing something they know is wrong.  There are so many voices talking, talking, talking to our children, trying desperately to get their attention.  They need to have enough confidence in who they are, and their valued place in our Heavenly Father's plan, to be able to hear that one quiet voice that will always guide them to the right decision.  It's important to have enough faith in their own ability to discern the correct answer, so they won't feel the need to rely on opinions from friends or to be tempted to think that other's opinions are more important than the whisperings from the Spirit that they're entitled to.
Self confidence gives them the gift of courage to stand up for the right.  I remember my oldest telling a friend in pre-school with perfect confidence that something the friend was doing "wasn't Jesus' plan."  This same son later, while having a conversation with a friend on the phone at about age 12 said he had to hang up because it was time for Family Home Evening.  He wasn't self conscious about explaining what that was - he was confident in his thoughts and actions.  The other two were just as assertive, if not more so.  I'm not saying that I was able to totally give them this gift - thankfully, they were blessed with their dad's assertive personality rather than my shy one - but I always tried to help them realize how smart, how capable, how important, how truly loved they were.  Once children feel empowered with self confidence, they are free to be kind and charitable towards others, to have confidence that their actions and good works are important and valued, and to absolutely know they are loved by their Heavenly Father no matter what. They are not afraid to try new things, to learn new skills.  Each success builds more success.
I didn't do everything perfectly (far from it) but I have good children who are, in turn, good adults and trying to teach their own children to be self confident, loving, and happy.  Speaking for myself, I wish I'd had half their confidence growing up.  I might have progressed a little faster.  Our oldest granddaughter Lexi just graduated from preschool the other day.  I'll leave you with some pictures of her on that happy day - one success preceding a lifetime of them.
 This little girl positively radiates confidence.  She bubbles over with it.  She's an amazing little girl, and when I look at these pictures I can't help but think: Look out world - here she comes!              

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Special Day

Such a whirlwind trip to Arizona and back.  I feel a little whiplashed.  Luckily, we were able to head out around 3:00 on Friday afternoon, and so we arrived in Mesa about 10:00 that night.  It felt like a quick drive (for me anyway - I was just a non-driving passenger) and we were able to drop off the load of items we were bringing to Katie before toddling off to our hotel for some rest.  I realized too late that I'd forgotten to bring my body pillow, and I very much regretted that.  My body these days is a finicky hot mess of sore joints and muscles, all screaming when they don't get propped by their favorite combo of pillows.  I didn't sleep very well, although I was tired - I woke up feeling out of sorts, achey and sore.  Not good.
Katie sent me a text message at 7am that Mia was waiting for me to get there.  Oh my.  Time to get it in gear!  They were having a garage sale (on the same day as the birthday party - brave girl!) and so while they were dealing with that I got ready for the day.  Katie called again and said they were going to their favorite restaurant, Big Bear, for breakfast.  Mmmm breakfast - my favorite meal of the day... I was ready to go by that time and was starting to look it up on my Yelp app.  Katie called again.  Sorry, she says, it's not  called BIG Bear - it's BLACK Bear.  She is so much like my grandma that way...  We've always called her Little Nana for that reason.  Both of them had/have an uncanny knack of messing up metaphors and names - usually in a funny way.  (I believe I've mentioned my grandma's "Mother Fudrucker" restaurant request...)  On to the Big/Black Bear breakfast place.
As soon as we walked in, Mia ran over and announced that today was her "special day."  Excitement oozed from every pore.  It was adorable and irresistible.  There was a table of seniors next to ours (by that I mean more senior than me) and they kept smiling at the girls while they ate.  At the end of our breakfast, the waitress brought Mia a small dish of ice cream with sprinkles and whipped cream - oh joy! - and the staff sang Happy Birthday to Mia.  She positively radiated birthday happiness.  At the next table, the three older couples got up to leave, and as they did, the men filed by our table, and each one gave both Mia and Hayden a dollar bill - $3 each!  Mia was astounded.  She barely recovered enough to say thank you.  It was the sweetest, cutest thing anyone could have done.  Always nice people wherever you go, aren't there?  

You may notice that the picture is not great quality.  You're going to beat me to a bloody stump, but yes, I forgot my camera at home, along with the body pillow, and had to make do all weekend with my i-Phone.  Kick me now.  I was so disappointed - not only did I not remember to take pictures, I didn't even remember to bring the camera!  Oi...

On with the day.  We had to make a run to Old Navy for new shoes for Hayden.  They were having a big sale, and on the way out they were handing out candy.  Mia thought it was in honor of her birthday and I just let her think so.  She couldn't believe her luck.  Finally, finally it was time to go to Costco to pick up the cake.  I thought Mia was going to explode, she was so excited to see that cake.  And it was perfect, just like she wanted.  A rainbow, clouds and a sun.  Never mind that it was a Princess Party.  She wanted the rainbow cake.  I admired Katie's resolve to let her have what she wanted instead of pushing for the Princess cake.  That kind of thing has always been so hard for me.  I mean, the theme and details need to coordinate - but 5 year olds don't know that.  And she was so happy with that freaking cake.  It was great.  While we waited in the checkout line, Mia announced to anyone who would meet her gaze that today was her "special day."  I've never seen a little miss so happy and excited - it did my heart good, and made me resolve to take more pleasure in things like simply having birthdays - not the plans involved, just the having of them, and a sunshiny day in your honor.
L came to pick me up after we'd gotten back and played a little bit.  We had time to nap for about an hour before the party, and since the hotel had brought up four more pillows (YES!!  *fist pump*) I fell dead asleep almost immediately.  Woke up, got ready, scurried over to the festivities at Momo's house - Mia's other grandma.  (Poor kids - they have Momo and Mema - for awhile Mia called me Nemo... so confusing...)
It should be said that Momo outdid herself.  Not only had she been up since 3am to work at the Mesa Temple until noon, she then came home and made fajitas and some amazing refried beans and ceviche to feed everyone.  Mia has lots of little girl cousins and they were all playing, swimming, and having a great time.  They never fight, this bunch.  It's really nice.

We ate, we watched Mia open her gifts, we visited until about 9:00.  Poor Renee/Momo looked like she wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but she was a great hostess, and we all had a great time.
On Sunday, we met Katie and Co at church.  I know that's where you're supposed to be on Sunday, but our time was so limited that I regretted not using those 3 hours to play with my little girls instead of sitting in church.  By the time we got back to Katie's, we only had a little time to play before it was time to go.  Mia announced that "Papa" said to tell me the bus was leaving at 3:00.  Not nearly enough time to play Barbie/restaurant/princess/etc that Mia wanted to play.  As I was taking things out to the car, Mia disappeared.  When Katie went to find her, she was curled up on her bed sobbing.  This is how I leave her every time I visit and I always feel so bad.  Hayden was happy if we were there, happy if we were not there, but Mia feels our departures keenly and cries every time.
It was hard to leave, but eventually L dragged me out to the car and threw me in, and we waved goodbye as Mia sobbed.  I hate that.  When we go see them in October for Halloween I need to get in more playing time.  She'll still probably cry when we leave, but at least I'll know that we did some good playing.
So this week the movers will come and pack up their belongings.  Katie, Zach and the girls are going with his family to their condo in Mexico for a week.  When they get back, Zach will take their car and drive it to Massachusetts, and a few days later Katie and the girls will fly to their new home in "the winter" - this is what Mia calls it because Katie has been telling her about the snow, which she's never seen.  These girls know islands, they know beaches, they know hot weather.  But snow and seasons will be a new experience.  Although it seems a long way off, I'm excited to experience a little of it with them in October.  A New England Halloween will be another whirlwind trip, but this time we'll make sure we pack a lot of playing in.
Luckily, Katie ALWAYS has her camera, so we got a lovely shot of the birthday girl on her Special Day

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Travel + More Travel = Get A Job

No news yet on the job front  - hoping to be contacted maybe tomorrow?  We'll see... It was a little busier in the home office this week.  I was beginning to think everyone thought I was dead already.  I don't know what's more annoying - to feel ignored or to be asked to do a bunch of random tasks when one foot is out the door.  *shaking head sadly*  I can't win here...  Ah well, the day is done, and tomorrow is Friday.  And THAT means:

Trip to Mesa to see Katie and the gang!  L is on deadline at his magazine, so we can't leave until he wraps everything up, but we should be able to be on our way by late afternoon.  We have so many things to take Katie (that everyone has been storing for her for the past 4 years!) - and it's been very refreshing to clean out closets and cupboards and discover all sorts of things I'd forgotten I had.  I've also discovered that there are some things I haven't forgotten about that I have no idea where they are, but that's another story, and one of the many perils of moving into a house that is much much smaller than the space you had before.  Ergo, things have been in boxes for years waiting for kids to move out to create a space for MY things - what a concept!  For example: where is the box containing my Hummel figurines?  I miss them.  They look like my kids did when they were little, all rosy and chubby cheeked.  Perhaps between job searches I'll be able to clean out some cupboards in the garage and find them.
We're going to Mesa to celebrate Mia's 5th birthday.  It's not actually her birthday until the last part of June, but they'll have moved to Boston (actually Worcester) by then, so we're celebrating early.  I wasn't able to go to Lexi's party in April - just couldn't swing it this year, so I'm excited to get to go to Mia's party, even if it is a short whirlwind trip.  I'll try to remember to take lots of pictures, but don't hate me if I don't.  I tend to get lost in the visiting part, and forget about the picture taking part.  And L isn't any better.  Instead of taking pictures of cute little girls, he'll be off taking pictures of buildings or cacti.  (He is fond of things that don't move fast or talk.)
We'll probably get there about midnight on Friday (if we're lucky), spend a whirlwind Saturday preparing for, and attending a 5 year old Princess's birthday party, go to church with them the next day, and then head for home after tearful goodbyes and long hugs.  Once again, they'll be really really far away - although not as far as Puerto Rico.  Mia told Katie she's excited to move to "the winter."  She doesn't know the half of it, little island girl that she's been up until now.  But hey now - there IS Cape Cod in the summer...
Our son Tim is getting married in NYC on October 29th.  L said we could come home via Worcester, MA and spend Halloween with Mia and Hayden.  It'll be the first real Halloween they've ever had - they don't trick or treat in Puerto Rico - and Halloween is L's favorite holiday so it should be a good time for everyone.
And then there's the new baby coming to join Lexi and Matthew in September - so a trip to Denver is in order there.  *heavy sigh* All of this coming and going is going to be expensive, so as much as I would like to stick my fingers in my ears and sing LALALALALA to drown it out, I'm going to need to get a job.  And it will probably require me to get out of my comfy comfy sweats, and leave the house in order to do it.  A crying shame.  I still have no idea what direction I'm going - I'm still testing the wind, and listening for direction.  And I think very soon the still small voice will tell me "Get off your a$#, put on some makeup, and apply for something...ANYTHING."
Because I can't lounge around forever.  Right?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Next Household Chef

I've slacked long enough.  I'm home all day - working, yes, but I'm ready to start taking over my share of the cooking.  L may not be as enthusiastic about this idea once we get going as I tend to be more spendy than he is at the grocery store.  When he shops he just goes along grabbing this or that, not knowing exactly what he's going to make out of all of it.  He likes to chop and dice more than I do.  I like to buy handy little helpers where the work is already done for me, like good sauces and marinades.  L always cooks something good, but he has a long drive after every work day, and he deserves to come home to a dinner that's all ready to be eaten - and one that didn't take me all day to put together.
When I shop, I know exactly what meals/recipes I'm shopping for and my choices are more deliberate.  (Except for that jar of lemon curd or that box of vanilla Jo-Jo's)  I like to buy specialty items like delectable sauces or unusual ingredients.  So tonight when I needed sesame oil, it wasn't just a random selection, it's for a beef noodle bowl.  We're having a roast one night, and then using leftover slices of beef in a salad another night.  Apple and cinnamon stuffed chicken with mashed potatoes and a corn and zucchini mix.  Linguine another night with a creamy roasted red pepper sauce, paired with a salad and crusty bread.  Yikes - longer walks?  Yes please.
It's been awhile since I've had more than occasional kitchen duty.  L comes home and starts chopping and sauteing and I just let him.  I hate coming home and trying to figure out what to cook.  I am more of a planner, not as spontaneous.   We're both good cooks, we just have completely different styles, and hopefully L will enjoy not having to think about it for the next while.
I had big plans to make Pioneer Woman's "Knock You Naked Brownies" (search for the recipe on her site - it almost made me drool reading about it) but we were shopping at Henry's - a semi organic healthy sort of grocery store, and they don't have such things as caramels or German Chocolate cake mixes.  They do have chocolate chips, but they're organic and sweetened with grain.  (??!!???)  I'm very fond of chocolate chips sweetened with sugar so I'll just have to take myself to the evil regular grocery store for those "specialty" supplies.
While we were shopping, L managed to sneak an apple pie into the cart AND ice cream.  He does love pie and ice cream.  *10 more sit ups*  I'm excited to start cooking, I really am.  I've pretty much had a vacation from the day to day cooking for the past 11 years.  *I KNOW, right?*  But L seemed to love it so.  Really. He did.  *nodding vigorously*


In other news, I had an interview today.   It was just a phone interview, but it went well, and I was told to expect a call to set up another one sometime this week.  So we'll see.  I feel like I'm jinxing myself, but I knew you'd want to know.  The best part is that if I get this job, I'll still get to stay with the same company and still work from home.  *doing the happy dance*  That means I can still do my laundry while I work.  And, you know - cook fabulous dinners.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Weekend Refresher

Whoever invented weekends was a very wise person.  We all need our batteries recharged and our spirits renewed, and that need seems to come along about every 4-5 days, so the weekend arrives with almost perfect timing.  And when the need for renewal becomes more urgent than that, we take vacations.
Since working at home, I've had much less stress (except for the need to find a new gig), but even so, an 8 hour day answering phones, solving problems, and organizing educational programs makes you tired, and after 5 days of it, I'm ready for a couple of days with no phones, no sales reps, and definitely no spreadsheets.
On Saturday my mom and I had our day out together.  I'd made plans last Sunday to take her out for a belated Mother's Day of lunch, shopping and visiting.  We decided to lunch in the tea room at Nordstrom and we had such a nice attentive waitress that the whole thing was a pleasure.  We were able to talk and visit about all kinds of things - something we rarely have time for - and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  My mom's youngest grandchild (my youngest niece) is the same age as my granddaughters Lexi and Mia, so we have fun comparing what they're all doing, and the funny things they've said or done.  We keep hoping to get all of these little girls together one day, but since they're going to be in Boston, Denver, and Salt Lake City, it's kind of a long shot.  We can dream about it though.
After lunch we strolled around Fashion Island but neither one of us was really in the mood for that, and there were no movies we wanted to see.  The day had warmed up a bit, and I remembered Roger's Gardens, just up the street.

This is an uber nursery - if you could combine an upscale boutique and a nursery, you would have Roger's Gardens.  It's a place where you'll see ordinary plants and extremely unusual plants - and they're all arranged in the most wonderful baskets and containers.

They have displays of fountains, patio furniture I can only dream of owning, and a beautiful shop full of books, soaps, unusual tchotchkes, table linens, dishes, candles - in short, just about anything for home/garden decorating.  They even have a year round room set up with Christmas ornaments of all kinds.  I could spend hours there, and luckily, so can Mom.  I ended up buying a couple of plants (one is ornamental basil with the loveliest green and purple flowers) and a couple of cards.  Mom bought a birthday gift for a friend.  Roger's had a couple of tables all set up for the Fourth of July and I was inspired.  I want to go back with L and see if we can recreate something like it on an affordable scale.  It made me want to have a summer patio party immediately.
Mom and I were able to recharge and renew while we had a good, overdue visit just between the two of us.  It was a good afternoon.
Today was spent in church, and then L and I were off down to Costa Mesa to our favorite Mexican restaurant for an early dinner.  It's been cool and party cloudy all day - and it actually rained last night.  The cool is refreshing after a very warm week.  And so another work week is about to begin but I can look forward to a quick weekend trip to Mesa, AZ to see Katie and the girls for Mia's 5th birthday - before they pull up stakes and move far away to Boston for the next 4 years.
Weekends help us feel alive again after 5 days of reports, business jargon, corporate buzzwords and nonsense, and employment worries.  When I finally roll my work phone over to the answering service and shut off the laptop  I always feel like Mia did on her trip to the beach when she was about two years old.  Blue skies above, a wide expanse of water and salt air, and the freedom of a bird.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Let's All Move On, Shall We?

Coming up for air after drowning in the Mother's Day tsunami.  I'm one of those who dreads the day, spends it anxiously awaiting "the calls", and judging my mothering skills by how much attention is paid - or not paid - in homage to me.  It's ridiculous, I know.  This year was no different.  It started out sitting through an unbearable hour of church listening to Mother's Day praise about everyone's angel mothers.  I kept thinking that if I'd been a better mother we'd all be together today.  (Really?  From Denver?  From Arizona?  Good mothering can change state boundaries or the need
to move out of them?)  You see the descent into Crazy Town.
I was blessed with the best husband anyone could ever pick out for me.  He understands me even when I go a little nuts.  He is patient and long suffering.  He is not, however, one of those husbands who goes out and gets me flowers or a gift on Mother's Day.  I am not, after all, his mother - or even the mother of HIS children.  Nevertheless, it's a little hard to see all of the planning other husbands put into the day, making sure the little wifey gets her due pampering.  I did wash, and he offered to carry the laundry basket.  But he does so much for me on a regular basis - little gifts of love and service every day - I have no right to complain about a thing.  It was just the madness of the moment making little things into big issues.  Further descent into Crazy Town.
My youngest son had offered to take me to dinner.  Me.  Alone.  Now, you'd have to know a little family history to understand how I took that.  My sweet husband is very different in personality from my three children.  He is quiet and withdrawn - sometimes to the point of seeming a little cranky.  He likes peace and calm and enjoys his solitude.  He does not like a houseful of people and noise.  He isn't someone who enjoys small talk or silly conversation (which the rest of us adore).  Not because he doesn't like the people, but because it wears him out being sociable.  It's hard for him to be "on."  He's a behind the scenes kind of guy.  When we're alone he can be hysterically funny with a wicked sense of humor, but my children have only seen that side of him a time or two.  Contrast that with their own dad, who is the force in the room, the life of every party.  You see the conundrum.  A man who quietly loves his Lakers, and who will whip up the game feast himself, contrasted with a man who enthusiastically loves all sports and is content with eating hot dogs, or whatever's easy.  ANYWAY - because L can be prickly at times I took the dinner exclusion personally and very much to heart.  All I've ever wanted was a family who had fun together and enjoyed each other's company, and that's turned out to be the greatest challenge in my life.  So I turned down the invite to eat out.  And I felt TERRIBLE.
Somewhere around 4 or 5:00 I had a thought.  I think it was not my own thought, but because it came into my heart so sweetly and peacefully it got my attention.  It occurred to me that I hadn't sincerely wished anyone else a Happy Mother's Day.  Not my mother (we'd made plans for this next Saturday but I hadn't called her on that day) not my daughter, not my daughter in law.  The thought further whispered to me that I would feel better if I extended myself to others and made those calls.  And so I did.
Katie had had one of those amazing days that every mother hopes for.  An attentive husband who got her flowers, children who brought her breakfast in bed, a new outfit to wear on her day.  She so deserved all of it.  Her voice was happy, and it began to lift my dark mood.  I felt her love for me, and I felt lighter.  She is one of my very best friends, and I knew I was on the right path.

My next call was to Ronna.  She didn't actually answer, but in a few minutes Rex called back.  His voice sounded happy to talk to me, happy to tell me about how things were going with them.  He put little Lexi on the phone and she chattered happily for a few minutes about her recent birthday party.  She told me that the Married Ariel doll I'd sent was "so beautiful."  Her sweet voice was sunshine to me.  And then Ronna got on and we had the kind of visit that I love to have with her.  I told her what an amazing mother she is and I could feel her love for me.  I'm not her mother - she doesn't have to love me, but she does.  My heart began to sing a little.

I called my own mother.  She'd been at my brother's for dinner.  I wished her a happy Mother's Day and we reaffirmed our plans for this coming Saturday.  She sounded good, even though I know we're both missing Grandma this year.  I'm looking forward to spending the day with her on Saturday and having some fun.

Next call: returning my youngest son's call.  He was concerned that I hadn't wanted to go to dinner and assured me it had nothing to do with not wanting L there.  They'd wanted to take me somewhere really nice as a treat, and one more person would have broken the budget.  OH... I hadn't thought of that... So, as usual, I'd jumped to conclusions that weren't true.  I'd been on the way to ruining Mother's Day for myself.  I did explain, however, that it made me uncomfortable to exclude anyone and I'd rather go somewhere very casual instead.  I'm really not a fancy dinner kind of girl anyway - I'm really not.  Just give me some fish tacos.  We're going to dinner tonight instead and I'm looking forward to spending the evening with him and Ashley.  I'll have to eat crow and apologize for being difficult and silly.  But that's OK - those two are the sweetest, most understanding people you could find.  I love them, and amazingly, they love me.  Isn't that incredible?  An emotional basket case like me...

So the lesson learned here (which I sincerely wish to not have to repeat next year): Drop the insecurity about past mistakes and faults.  I did my best then - I do my best now.  My worth is not tallied in terms of flowers and gifts given to me, but rather in the love and service I've given to others.  Today is what matters.  Move forward.  Be more concerned about others and I won't have time to focus so much on myself and what ails me.  Reach out to those I love in confidence, knowing they'll be happy for the contact.  Give service to my family - it makes them happy and gives me joy and a happy heart.
I am a mother.  I was not perfect, nor will I ever be so.  But I can dream of achieving it, and I can give it my best shot.  The love I have for my family just keeps growing, and so will my abilities, thanks to those whisperings of the heart in times of need.

I find it "interesting" that I am learning so many of life's lessons so late in life.  I tell you these things in hopes you won't be like me.  Extend your heart in confidence to those around you.  Don't sit back waiting for an invitation.  You'll miss a lot of good parties if you do.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Good and Getting Better

I'm better today.  I've spent the last two days feeling numb and depressed.  I've worked and felt resentful. I went to the dentist and got my teeth sparkling clean.  (I liked that part.)  Everywhere I go, I picture myself working there.  So far, nothing has felt like a solid fit.  I've reached out to business friends, and I'm meeting one for dinner next week.  Networking, networking, networking.
L has been sick and I haven't wanted to stress him out any more than I already have.  So we hadn't talked about anything for the last 2 days.  I felt sooooo alone.  It felt like I was going through it solo.  Today we talked.  L was home sick (feeling better though) and at lunchtime we went for a walk in the warm sunshine.  It felt great.  The neighborhood is a completely different place during the week in the daytime.  Moms out walking with their babies, older men strolling, retired folks out washing cars or tinkering in their garage.  It felt good to get out and walk in the middle of the day, and finally get to talk about what just happened.
L understands.  He always understands.  He went through a layoff himself 5 years ago.  He recognized the phases I'm going through and told me it will get better.  We'll be fine.
Another good friend in Washington lent me her expertise on the subject of unemployment and took some of the mystery out of WhatToDoNext.  We had a long long talk last night and we comforted each other in many areas on many different levels.  She is such a good friend and I always feel good after a long visit with her.
One of my sales reps who also was just laid off called me again today.  I felt like I was doing slightly better than he is.  Of course, in his case, there was a lot more money lost, so that's part of it.  But he's like me - just feeling a little WHAT THE HECK??!?  We're not sure how this all happened (although in talking to many people it's becoming more clear, and it all has to do with numbers and quotas and not so much with performance.)  We just wrestled crocodiles and lost.  But we'll take it a day at a time, get organized, and figure it out.  Maybe we'll throw in a lunch date next week.  That would be nice - he was/is one of my favorites.
So I'm in search of the answer to What Do I Want To Do? for the next 7 years or so.  I've been thinking it would be nice to have something less hectic, less chaotic, less stressful.  A quiet office, a peaceful space - that all sounds so nice.  But let's be real: I'll accept just about anything that's offered within reason.  But I'm so all over the place that I could have a completely different opinion tomorrow.  The point is that I'm feeling better and more optimistic.  And I can almost hear opportunity knocking.

On a different note: what's everyone doing for Mother's Day?  I feel like I'm just coming out from under water and I'm waaaay behind schedule on a lot of things.  I'd like to steal some of your good ideas because I have no plan.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

It Hasn't Been A Good Day

I suppose I should just get all the bad news out at once, and then we can move on to happier things:

I did not get the job.  I should have gotten the job, but I didn't.  I wasn't given any reason that made sense, and some of the ladies who did get it are not nearly as qualified as I am.  That said, I suppose I could drive myself crazy wondering why, but in the end it really doesn't matter.  I just didn't get the job.
I've gone from angry to hurt to sad to scared and through it all again 10 times over.  I really feel like hiding in a dark place but I realized that a blog is not really a blog unless you can be real on it.  And this is real, folks.  I have no freaking idea what I'm going to do.
All day long I've had my big girl panties on and I've put on a brave face.  But I'm kind of tired now and the brave face isn't looking very brave anymore.  I have to plow through 2 more months of this job (unless I find something else) and it's going to be really hard to give it my all in my usual manner.  I'm going to have to really force myself.  Because I'm angry and hurt and scared.  Corporate politics are the devil.
So now I'm going to try to remember all the good advice I've spouted to all of you in your darkest hours.  I need to remember that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  This door is closed (or closing, anyway) but another will open.  It will.  And it will open onto something that is better for me.  I just need to be patient, do whatever I can to facilitate moving on, and Heavenly Father will take care of the rest.  I shouldn't worry and fret.  It will make my RA worse, make me tired, and give me lines and circles around my eyes.  But it's hard, isn't it, to not worry - to not waste energy trying to control something you can't really control.
And then there's a little humiliation mixed in there.  I was so sure I was going to get this position.  There was practically no way I could miss.  And there wasn't - but I didn't factor in stuff that makes no sense at all, and there's always a lot of that in big companies.
So I'm not going to beat a dead horse here.  This post will be short.  I just thought you all should see me when I'm at my ranting worst.  When I don't feel like a nice person.  When I have no pretty phrases to type and I haven't showered or gotten out of my sweats all day.  (that will change shortly...)  When I'm hurt and I don't care who knows it.
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I'll be a better, more professional and mature person.  Tomorrow I'll try to keep positive thoughts in mind, and realize that it's their loss.  But tonight I can't help hoping for a little sweet revenge.

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