I suppose I should just get all the bad news out at once, and then we can move on to happier things:
I did not get the job. I should have gotten the job, but I didn't. I wasn't given any reason that made sense, and some of the ladies who did get it are not nearly as qualified as I am. That said, I suppose I could drive myself crazy wondering why, but in the end it really doesn't matter. I just didn't get the job.
I've gone from angry to hurt to sad to scared and through it all again 10 times over. I really feel like hiding in a dark place but I realized that a blog is not really a blog unless you can be real on it. And this is real, folks. I have no freaking idea what I'm going to do.
All day long I've had my big girl panties on and I've put on a brave face. But I'm kind of tired now and the brave face isn't looking very brave anymore. I have to plow through 2 more months of this job (unless I find something else) and it's going to be really hard to give it my all in my usual manner. I'm going to have to really force myself. Because I'm angry and hurt and scared. Corporate politics are the devil.
So now I'm going to try to remember all the good advice I've spouted to all of you in your darkest hours. I need to remember that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. This door is closed (or closing, anyway) but another will open. It will. And it will open onto something that is better for me. I just need to be patient, do whatever I can to facilitate moving on, and Heavenly Father will take care of the rest. I shouldn't worry and fret. It will make my RA worse, make me tired, and give me lines and circles around my eyes. But it's hard, isn't it, to not worry - to not waste energy trying to control something you can't really control.
And then there's a little humiliation mixed in there. I was so sure I was going to get this position. There was practically no way I could miss. And there wasn't - but I didn't factor in stuff that makes no sense at all, and there's always a lot of that in big companies.
So I'm not going to beat a dead horse here. This post will be short. I just thought you all should see me when I'm at my ranting worst. When I don't feel like a nice person. When I have no pretty phrases to type and I haven't showered or gotten out of my sweats all day. (that will change shortly...) When I'm hurt and I don't care who knows it.
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I'll be a better, more professional and mature person. Tomorrow I'll try to keep positive thoughts in mind, and realize that it's their loss. But tonight I can't help hoping for a little sweet revenge.