What a relief it was to get outta there! Teresa is British and has such a wicked sense of humor that only the British seem to have. She had me laughing in no time. She was good medicine for me today and I'm truly grateful for her friendship. We laughed and noshed and gossiped at Prego's over big bowls of pasta, and it was like no time had passed since we'd all moved out of our old office. I was so lucky to have worked with such great girls for the nine years I was there. So. Lucky.
So now what? I'm just going through the motions every day. Some days I'm busy all day, and other days I have plenty of time to do the wash, play Scrabble games on my i-Phone, or read a book. I'm sure my last day of work will come all too quickly. I tell myself I'm looking forward to getting all of the work crap and paraphernalia out of my office (the phone, the extra files, the laptop), but it's going to be a hard day all the same, and reality will set in. Teresa says she will plan an extravaganza for my last day so we have some laughs. I'll need them. I really will. She has the knack of making me feel sassy and important, rather than deflated and depressed.
What I'm trying most not to do is to let desperation set in. I don't want to feel inadequate or like a big loser. I've gone through a couple of days like that already and it wasn't pretty. I'm trying to keep up the belief that there really is something better in store for me, for us. I'm trying not to be scared - scared that I won't find another job, scared that I'll disappoint my husband, scared that I won't be able to afford to get my hair done and get pedicures anymore. ( I KNOW - that's a very petty fear, but I've grown comfortable with those luxuries and I really really like them...) I also love to buy my grandkids things and having a job allowed me to do lots of spoiling. With them all so far away, it's been something that's helped me feel more connected to them.
So there will be changes. Perhaps they'll be temporary. Perhaps not. I hate change, as do most people. It's unsettling, it gives me a headache. But I'm convinced it makes us grow. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing - to be proactive, to be brave, to be (ugh) thrifty. I hate thrifty. I hate limits. But I do like to be comfortable and not scared, so that's one thing I need to discipline myself to be. I need to stretch like Gumby and do things that aren't comfortable or familiar so I can reach my goals. Sometimes life is just not fun. I'm just praying that my "personal growth" won't involve forcing me to let the gray in my hair grow in. Am I vain? Yep - you bet I am.